today marks the seventh month. i was riding up the lift with this uncle just now. thing is, i've seen this uncle for about ten years now cos he lives in my block. imagine ten years back, he used to me 55 maybe? and now te'll be 65. age does alot to your body. the uncle looks so frail compared to ten years ago. he used to be this jovial guy who would always say hi & ask me where i went & stuff but whenever i see he these days, it takes alot out of him to just wave & say hi. ten years ago he was 55. that was around the age my dad was. and this uncle outlived him by what, 10 years?

i still can remember every single detail of my dad & i really thank God for it.

when i experienced my first break up the pain was so bad. i thought i'd never get over it. i could just lie there for hours crying. the pain here is ten times worse. & i'm filled with so so so much regret and self loathing, you cannot imagine.

my mum called me twice pleading with me to come home. & by the time i got home it was too late. i couldnt even say i was sorry to my dad for being a bitch to him. i couldnt tell him that i never hated him & that i loved him so much & that all that bullshit that i said when we argued were all just bullshit. i was so mean. oh God, i was so mean.



my dad leaving left such a huge gap. i cant imagine how my mum feels, losing the love of her life.
but she's a strong woman, my mum. occasionally she does mention wanting to go 'home' (heaven) cos she misses my dad so much. & jacob has been so angry lately. my guess is he's taking things really badly. i'm sure mercy misses him too. my dad loved her so so much.

they say that we should rejoice for the souls of the dead have gone home to be with their father.
but it's just so fucking hard to rejoice when you wish the person was on earth instead.

this world is not my home
i'm just passing through
my treasures are laid up
somewhere beyond the blue
the angels beckon me from heaven's open door
& i cant feel at home in this world anymore